Hijacked

This is Tamara, Bob’s wife. I’ve hijacked his blog so I can tell the real story! Just kidding. I am very proud of Bob for being vulnerable enough to share his story with everyone.

Hopping on the Roller Coaster

I joined Bob’s roller coaster in the summer of ’89, not knowing I was in for the wildest ride of my life. Maybe for the first month or two, Bob was on an emotional high from the wedding, escaping his childhood home, the honeymoon, moving in with a girl for the first time, and…then reality hit.

I remember having a disagreement and sitting on the couch crying while Bob was in the other room. All I wanted was for him to come comfort me. I found out later, he thought I wanted to be left alone. Part of this was just the difference between men and women, but I also started to feel the ups and downs in his mood and didn’t really understand what was going on. He would isolate and not want to “do” anything. He stopped going to church with me, then would go for a little while, then stop again. I wondered what I had gotten myself into.

Beating the Odds

I came into this relationship with no knowledge of mental illness, plus in my head I was living in a fantasy world where love makes everything perfect. I had heard the word depression casually thrown around when someone was sad because they had a bad day, or when some situation made them sad. I did not understand the deep, inconsolable sadness felt by one who suffers from clinical depression. I heard a statistic once that stated 90% of marriages with one spouse having depression fail. I can definitely empathize. Our love may be able to conquer all, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the hardest thing I’ve had to face in my whole life.

What’s the Difference?

I believe there is hope. It’s hard, but it’s been worth it to stay together! I suppose there are two things that have helped our marriage last. First, humor has saved us. Bob has the best sense of humor! His quick wit rears its funny head just at the right moments. Even when he is depressed, he can still stun me with a quick one liner that gets me laughing till my cheeks can’t handle it.

The second thing going for us is that Bob is my best friend. My favorite place to be is sitting beside him holding his hand. Together, we have enjoyed many great days and countless hard days, but there is no one else I would rather go through these experiences with.

Understanding Dawns

When Bob was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, it was a little bit of a relief. Bob particularly, would have days to weeks of deep depression, then he would flip to manic, which mirrored everyone else’s “normal” happy. He would suddenly become sociable and want to do a lot of fun things. I loved his manic days. I would think, “He’s better! He’s better! Thank you, Lord!! He’s better!” After a few glorious days, he would dip back down into depression. I would wonder, “What happened?” Then the cycle would start over again. Often, I would think I had done something to cause his depressed mood. And try to figure out what could I do to pull him out of it. I know I made a lot of mistakes in “trying to help.” I am grateful he is so forgiving.

The Monster Inside His Head

When Bob ultimately started sharing his thoughts and feelings, things became very real, very fast. Suicide!!?? I had never known anyone who thought of harming themselves, let alone taking their own life. Well, that is not exactly true. Once, when I tried to break up with a boyfriend, he said he would kill himself, so I stayed with him. That was just manipulation. When your spouse genuinely feels that the world would be better without them, that’s a truly terrifying place to be. I hid my constant fear. Would I come home from shopping and not have a husband anymore? Would I get a dreaded phone call and my best friend would be gone? One night I held him while he cried, telling me he figured out the solution was for both of us to go together. THAT was not a fun night.

The RX Trip

When Bob started taking medication for his illness, we jumped tracks to a whole new level of roller coaster. The promise that it was going to relieve his symptoms, and the dashed hopes when he experienced all the side effects and none of the benefits. Over and over again. While I don’t have the same trust for doctors and medication as Bob, I am grateful that he has currently found a combination that is helping him remain stable.

What I Have Learned

While I didn’t have any knowledge or experience with mental illness when I started this trip, what I did have is a loving and supportive family. I am thankful they are always willing to listen to the shedding of tears day or night, and always have an open-door policy, which we have gratefully utilized. If I had known then what I know now…my advice to myself would have been to read, do research and most of all, find a support group. My family is amazing, but I think a mental health support group could have helped me understand this illness better and given me tools to help me cope more effectively. I could have learned how to better support Bob, instead of thinking I was responsible for “fixing” him. It could have also given me tools to help our children process their feelings and understanding of their dad’s illness. It may have helped smooth out the ride for all of us a little bit. Even though I have been known to enjoy a good roller coaster ride.