What A Long Strange Trip It’s Been Part 5

Arizona, Here We Come

We moved in with my sister-in-law, in Florence, AZ while I commuted to Phoenix for the first two weeks of my new job with TOSCO. I went off the Paxil shortly after we moved which began the worst 2 years of my life. Within a couple weeks after starting my job, they sent me to New Jersey for a “two-week” project. I ended up there for the whole summer. It was hot and humid, which I was not used to. Utah is very dry even when hot. Being off the medication and with all the changes, I was so depressed during this time. I was away from my wife and kids, away from a regular routine, and going out to eat for every meal, which was probably not the healthiest idea. The only good thing was that it was fun to try every restaurant in the area.

During my absence, Tamara found a house to buy in Mesa and had to sign all the paperwork as my Power of Attorney. This was frustrating and gave me a lot of anxiety. While I trust my wife completely, I didn’t like her having to do everything alone. I didn’t even get to see the house for 3 months.

A New Job

My job would pay to fly me home for an occasional visit and since Tamara had a family reunion planned in Utah, I had them fly me to Utah instead. During this visit, I received a phone call from my old boss at Kennecott who told me about a job at Fred Meyer in AZ. It was much better pay, with benefits and much shorter business trips.

Looking for a Way Out

The first day of work on my new job at Fred Meyer’s million square foot warehouse, it was 120 degrees, and the AC went out in my car. Because we had bought a house in Mesa, I drove 1-1/2 hours each way to work. I was so depressed I just wanted it to end. There were so many times, while driving that stretch of road, that I just wanted to pull in front of a Semi and end it all. Thank goodness I had a loving and caring wife I missed at home, or I may have followed through. We found a psychiatrist who immediately put me in the hospital to figure out what meds to put me on.

Being in the hospital was scary. I was away from my family, around people I didn’t know and working with a medical staff I was unfamiliar with. I was under watch, which meant that every 15-30 minutes someone would come check on me to be sure I was safe. This was really annoying at night since they were none to quiet. The Doctors put me on some new medication, which I responded to well to, at the time. I was sent home after 8 days. At work I told them I was out for my allergies. I wasn’t sure how much to disclose or even how to feel about the situation I was in.

The meds were sort of helping. I was still having extreme ups and downs, but mostly downs, and they were awful. I was still thinking about suicide, or at least taking a break from life. I also started gaining more weight from the meds.  I don’t know if this was a cause, but I ended up with an umbilical hernia and had to have surgery. I felt so alone and depressed during all of this.

For my job I had to fly to Las Vegas and Albuquerque once a month to make sure their systems were running smoothly and solve any problems that had come up in the last month. It was lonely and depressing. It was scary to be completely responsible for these offices when I was struggling mentally.

On the Home Front

With my long commutes and monthly business trips, Tamara was left at home with an infant and a VERY active two-year-old, who was challenging and keeping her on her toes. Our insurance didn’t cover Tamara or the kids, so there was added stress with the “what if’s” my mind liked to create. When our son, got to be so hard to handle, we had to find a way to find out what was going on. He was eventually diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD and Reactive Attachment Disorder. That was overwhelming!!! Without insurance, we had to pay for therapy out of pocket, and since we didn’t have much extra money, therapy didn’t last long, and we were left to figure things out on our own.

Too Much to Handle

I went into a depressive tailspin and felt I couldn’t handle life anymore. My father-in-law invited us to come live with them in California so I could have a mental break from trying to hold it together all the time.

I found a good psychiatrist in California who diagnosed me as Bi-polar with Anxiety and changed my meds to help me cope. That would finally explain the emotional roller coaster I had been riding since Junior High. If I had only known then, I wouldn’t have had to suffer so long.